Basically, it's always the connections with people that give life its value. (William von Humboldt). In order to be able to really get involved with other people, we must first strengthen the connection to ourselves and thus get in touch out of abundance. With this in mind, the Cacao & Connection event takes place in Berlin once a month. You can read in today's article what can happen during this ritual from the participant's point of view.
My experience with Cacao & Connection
by Martin Schramm
On Saturday I followed the impulse to visit the Cacao and Connection event organized by Cacaoloves.me. I decided to do this because I felt the need to see Leni and Felix as well as to walk with others in a secure research space of encounter. Having attended their workshops on numerous occasions in the past, I knew that my desire for external support could be satisfied here.
The last few months have been turbulent for me. Due to a spontaneous mammoth project of moving and the separation of my roommate that went with it, I had no space for me to go into silence. A very old childhood trauma knocked on my door, only I wanted to open it with a heavy heart. The retreat and being alone was rarely a real challenge for me. I know how to keep myself busy and in the stillness of what is happening I can let myself go.
However, what is a challenge for me is meeting other people, especially when there is no common intention of meeting for a workshop or something similar. Socializing is not my forte. When it's not about processes or we're diving into deep meditation together, I often feel out of place. Of course I'm interested in other people, but most topics pass me by and I often find myself conscious but distanced in this group. Meanwhile, I observe how individual authentic expressions of myself are being blocked.
I feel myself getting lost in my stories and building a facet of security to make contact. Too often, my ego uses the aloof, awakened "teacher attitude" to feel secure, thereby masking a vulnerability or neediness.
There were many situations in which I tried to be vulnerable, but this often ended in unhealthy re-traumatization. In recent years, during my work as a coach, I have repeatedly recommended to many of my companions that they should practice being alone. No cell phone, no Facebook, just you alone with no distractions. However, I have to recommend something else to myself, namely contact with people with whom I can show myself vulnerable and where I can be held emotionally.
Due to individual early childhood experiences, I could not show myself emotionally vulnerable. The fear of being too much, of being a burden and also of being in need still runs through my system. In the last few months I have been able to shed light on this complex trauma with its many different forms of expression. It wasn't always pleasant, and it was accompanied by resistance, pain, and suffering. But the willingness to burn destructive emotions in the fire of my own awareness has opened new doors for me. With an open heart, I move towards it mindfully, allowing myself to be vulnerable and needy to carry the light into the darkness.
Leni and Felix's workshop helped me with this. Through their gentle, humorous and clearly structured way of holding the space, I was able to get involved with my needs and let myself go deeply. The loving exercises that build on one another have created a safe space for me. This, in combination with a heart-opening cacao ritual and a light meditation, helped me to feel safe.
After a few exercises with different partners, we were allowed to express our needs. If the partner was open to it, he could give or take. After I was first in the giving position and observed how a pattern in me crossed borders, but I had consciously allowed this, I was allowed to receive. I asked my partner if she could hug me and give me emotional support. Without hesitation she said yes, gladly and that she had a similar picture. So I put my back in her arms and was allowed to let it happen.
With every breath and a fixed look into my heart, I felt a deeper and deeper letting go. Despite my inner struggles, which resembled a small battle, I felt my body relax, muscles soften and I sag, held gently. The whole thing lasted less than five minutes, but this experience still has an effect. The small, simple things that seem so inconspicuous all too often have a huge impact on us.
A hug, in the willingness to be vulnerable, to feel myself without expectations, made me embrace myself deeply. Now I use my time, feel the reverberation and breathe in the sound of my heart to explore the finer connections to my trauma and to transcend them.
Grateful in inner bow, towards the two workshop holders I enjoy this experience and look forward to further encounters.
If you would like to learn more about Martin and his work, please visit his website ➚ .
